Social Distancing Day 62

The weather here has been crazy the last few days. We had a few days of sunny, almost-warm weather followed by a big rainstorm with high winds. Meanwhile, number of new COVID-19 are on a gradual but continued decline here in Massachusetts, and there are murmurings of a gradual re-opening. Of course, the rest of the United States is not doing nearly as well.

After spending a few days of letting myself grieve over the state of things, and the great expectations that won’t come to pass, I’m starting to focus on the small things. I’ve been focusing on making breakfast, experimenting with eggs, bacon, sausage, bread and butter, and doing my best to stay calm and mindful through it all. My local Zen group had their online meditation session together yesterday. It’s been good to have a point of stability in a time where each day is somehow largely the same, but differently chaotic.

Talking about grief, I’ve been reading Nick Cave’s blog The Red Hand Files, where he talked about a different sort of grief. One paragraph seems to summarize so much of our current situation:

In the end, grief is an entirety. It is doing the dishes, watching Netflix, reading a book, Zooming friends, sitting alone or, indeed, shifting furniture around. Grief is all things reimagined through the ever emerging wounds of the world. It revealed to us that we had no control over events, and as we confronted our powerlessness, we came to see this powerlessness as a kind of spiritual freedom.

While powerlessness (and it’s distant cousin, learned helplessness) are things I wish only on my worst enemies, there is a certain freedom and peace in narrowing your focus to just the things that are immediately within your grasp. While it’s hard to stay focused on making breakfast, doing my work, eating dinner with the roommates, and keeping a proper bedtime, the days I successfully do it, I feel better and stronger. While it’s ok to give productivity a pass, activity seems to be good for the soul.

As I’m sure I’ve said before on here, there isn’t much that most of us can do in this time. But most of us can stay at home and away from other people. And all of us can wear masks, wash our hands, keep proper distance, stay safe, stay sane, and take care of each other.

Social Distancing Day 55

It’s been about three weeks since the last post, almost two months since we started this collective experiment in self-preservation. I stopped writing in part because it seemed like all I could do was say the same things over and over, and in part because the situation has been doing a number on my mental health, as I suspect it has been doing on many of yours. In the beginning of all this, I kept telling myself that I was in a better situation than most. That’s still more or less true. I’m younger and healthier than most. My employment and income seems secure for the foreseeable future. The state I live in, Massachusetts, has been doing a fairly good job at containing the outbreak, and ramping up testing. And the weather is slowly but surely getting better.

At the same time, I can’t pretend that large parts of the situation don’t suck. I had plans for this year: I wanted to be more social, meet new people, exercise more, go to a friend’s wedding in Singapore. Most of that is not happening, at least not anytime soon. I really miss not being able to go out to restaurants, I miss not being able to work from coffee shops, I miss not being able to just pop into a library or bookshop when I’m feeling down, I miss going to the gym. Hell, I even miss being able to take the subway to work. And many of these things are probably not coming back anytime soon. As much as it’s good to look on the bright side and be grateful for whatever good there is in this situation, it’s also healthy to admit that there is a deep and continued sense of loss that we mostly can’t do anything about.

Ok, collective deep breath.

While this crisis is not doing my mental health any favors, it is making me take it more seriously. As an academic, my mind is my means of production, as it were. I also need to use my mind to take care of my mind, which puts quite the spin on “self-care”. But having to do that has also been a learning experience, making me pay attention to what I need, what is good for me, and what is not. And it’s helping me un-learn heaps of learned helplessness, which I suspect will be good in the long term. I’m regularly thankful for a good therapist and a strong local Zen community to help navigate all of the above.

The last week or so has been an exercise in picking myself up off the floor, metaphorically speaking. I suspect that maintaining some semblance of sanity over the next few weeks (months?) will require both looking at the bright side, but also acknowledging the bad, even if part of that is trying to make peace with not being able to actually do very much about it.

All that being said, there are things that I am enjoying and looking forward to. The days are getting longer, and the weather is getting better (seems like we’re now allowed 2 days of sunny weather in a row now). I’m looking forward to spending more time on the balcony. My roommates have turned much of the balcony into a garden, and we’re looking forward to a steady supply of fresh flowers, herbs and leafy greens, as well as some amount of tomatoes and peppers in the near future. And I’m enjoying all the Nature is Healing memes.

Social Distancing Day 34

Apologies, it’s been almost two weeks since the last post. To be honest, we have gotten to the “every day is the same” stage of the pandemic. In many ways, the ones for whom that is true are the lucky ones. We have stable income (so far), do not have immediate contacts who are getting sick, or hospitalized, and we haven’t had trouble getting supplies.

I’m doing a fair number of video calls per week, both for work and socialization. I’ve also been trying to focus on work, and developing a routine that leaves time to relax, check in with people and get lots of sleep. My roommates have been cooking up a storm, and I’ve been enjoying the benefits. I don’t personally find cooking or baking a relaxing or de-stressing, so I’m not particularly motivated to do more of it in the middle of a pandemic.

The weather has been starting to get better here in Massachusetts. I’ve been managing to spend a couple afternoons on the balcony, enjoying the sun and warmth. On the other hand, today has been very rainy and windy, and most days have been quite cloudy. I suppose Spring in is the air, but most days I am perfectly happy to be at home. I assume that will change over the next few weeks, so we’ll see how I feel about being cooped up at home then.

I started playing video games again, for the first time in about a decade. I’ve been playing Age of Empires 2, both single player and multiplayer, and I’ve been working my way through Doom 2016. It’s a good way to disconnect and escape at the end of the day, but I have to be careful to not overdo it.

I hope you all have been staying safe, staying sane, and taking care of each other. More tomorrow, and let me know if there’s anything you’d like me to write about.

Social Distancing Day 22

It’s been about three weeks since the last time I went in to the office. Since then I think I’ve left the apartment a grand total of three times. Honestly, not being able to leave the house hasn’t been too bad for me. I’m luckily to have a balcony that gets a lot of afternoon sun, and the weather has been getting better. I’ve spent a couple afternoons now reading out on the balcony and getting my vitamin D levels up.

On the negative side, a few weeks of pretty much no physical activity was starting to take its toll on my body. I’ve started doing some bodyweight exercises: squats, push-ups, planks, some physical therapy exercises for my shoulders, a bunch of stretches. A couple days of that, as well as being more careful about my sitting posture, has definitely been helping. I’ve also been consciously trying to move my wake up time earlier. The days are better when I can get up at a normal-ish time and get in a workout and a meditation session before I start tackling the tasks of the day. This is true in normal times, and is also true now, even though the definition of “tasks of the day” is “Zoom calls”.

Aside: My roommate told me they found waking up and answering emails in bed to be relaxing, and I cringed hard. Personally, I don’t like working from bed, and I don’t like doing work things, even answering emails, until I’ve had a chance to at least have some coffee and get my head in order.

I’m finally getting to a routine that I feel comfortable with, and that seems sustainable over the long run. The state of Viriginia at least seems to think that this situation will last till the beginning which may actually end up being on the early side. I’m hoping that the routines and habits I’m putting in place now will last me for the next few months.

Today’s the first of April. As a culture we seem to have decided that April’s Fool day jokes would be ill-advised right now, and I’m just fine with that. I decided to go through the ritual of reviewing the previous month, and making plans for the month ahead, even though the only things that went into my planner were Zoom calls. Personally, I find it important to maintain as much normalcy as possible. In particular, I want to keep marking the passage of time, and making progress with my life in as many ways as I can. I’ve been building up the mental capacity to focus on work again, and it honestly feels good to focus on something that isn’t doom and gloom. There has already been a lot said about self-care (and I’m sure there will be a lot more). For me, an integral part of self-care is feeling like I am honoring my skills and abilities, and doing the best I can. There isn’t really anything I can do to help with this crisis (apart from supporting small businesses in ways I can, and hoping these posts help people), but I can make the most of this time. No point in wasting a good crisis, is there now?

Till tomorrow, stay safe, stay sane, and take care of each other.

Social Distancing Day 20

Today has actually been a pretty good day. I managed to get out of bed not too late, take some time to ramp up and then spend most of the day working, until dinner time. It’s still dreary and grey here, with intermittent spells of rain, but I got enough sun on Friday that it’s not dragging me down quite yet. But I’m hoping the weather improves soon.

I’ve been spending as little time as I can listening to the news and thinking about Coronavirus happenings. I heard that Virginia just announced a 70-day lockdown. It now seems likely that this will stretch into the summer. My birthday is in the middle of July, I wonder the situation will be then. One of my friends pushed back their wedding from May to August, and another may have to do the same for their summer wedding.

After about three weeks of social distancing, I think I’ve managed some amount of acceptance and routines. The days are more or less the same, a little boring, but not hard. Over the last week I’ve managed to develop habits and routines which help me beat the urge to stagnate and do absolutely nothing. My stress response is unfortunately to shut down and just hope that the stressors go away, which is not a very healthy strategy. I’ve been working on improving that over the last year, but this crisis has been something of a boot camp to make that happen faster. It’s been uncomfortable, but I feel like I’ve come out of it stronger and more stable.

For the rest of this week I’m hoping to keep up the routines and practices that have been working, and try to be more productive. As I’ve noted before, I’m in the group that is lucky enough to still be employed and paid, not have to leave the apartment to do it, and also have no caregiving duties. For me, being productive is a way of maintaining sanity, and, to paraphrase Gandalf, to do what I can with the time I have. Keeping busy helps me stay sane, which in turn helps to stay safe and take care of people around me. I hope you all find your ways to do the same.